I am a natural pessimist and always have been. I wake up worrying about money, my children, what I have achieved in life and anything else that will stop me from thinking about nothing. I go to bed worrying about the same things and in times alone they all come back into my head.
If I am at home at the weekend I presume that the people next door are having more fun than me. I presume that others are having more fun and that what I am doing is nothing special. I guess I have been like this since I was a child- the fat kid at school with few friends who never left the house. I am now the not so fat adult with friends but I cannot shake the feeling that I have not made enough of myself.
This is not an article asking for sympathy but one that I find easier to write on a web site than to discuss with those closest to me- that is really stupid but it's the way it is. I guess I am writing it to help me come to terms with what I am feeling and have always found it easier to get my feelings into type rather than out of my mouth.
At Christmas my daughter, Alice, was quite ill and something changed inside me without me even noticing. I sat with her, held her, tried to make her laugh as the tubes in her arm kept her hydrated. Families came in and out of the hospital with worried parents doing the same for their children. Everything was a blur and Christmas ended as if it had not happened. Life carried on as normal- 8 hours a day at work, playing with the children at night and the endless posting of news on the 247 sites. Over the past couple of weeks I have become over emotional by my standards with much more time spent on my own (I have always hated my own company). Talking to people does my head in at the moment- on the surface I am Mr. Jolly who is always cracking rubbish jokes and never showing any sign of a problem and I will walk into the office tomorrow as happy as ever, hiding how I really feel.
Everything feels so endless. Endless days at work, endless crying and stamping of feet from the kids and the endless pretending to be someone else. I love my family dearly and have more than many others- who would not want 2 beautiful children, a lovely understanding wife and a good job? I know I have it all but can't really bring myself to discuss how I really feel with anyone.
I never cry but I am as I write this and I don't know why.
This is not exactly an interesting article to read but I wanted to get it off my chest. I am not depressed, I am not having a breakdown- I am just really, really fucked off and don't know where the hell I am going. I want to believe in something that makes me feel alive again. I want to do something new. I want to feel love like a teenager does on their first date. Most of all I want to be happy and be able to rejoice in all of the goods things that I have. But I can't...
That was actually very interesting and elegant and I'm a critic.
Posted by: Moss | Thursday, July 21, 2011 at 05:23 AM
well.. it's like I said!
Posted by: Teen Andl Dildo | Friday, December 25, 2009 at 02:15 AM
now I'll stay in touch..
Posted by: Bedroom Pussy Fingering | Tuesday, October 27, 2009 at 01:54 AM
"...I cannot shake the feeling that I have not made enough of myself."
Maybe you should check your website hit counter! How many of your neighbours run the planet's #1 source for PDA news? (If you ever need proof of that just head over to 1src.com to look at their news summary...)
If I could achieve what you have I'd be pretty chuffed :D.
Posted by: Craig | Wednesday, May 04, 2005 at 11:16 AM
Shaun,
Lee's right - focus more on those real relationships you have and give us virtual friends a rest for a while. Take a week-long holiday from the site. Spend those hours when you would normally be online just 'being' with your wife and children.
And tell your wife how you feel - she probably already knows something's not right and would be overjoyed that you could share your feelings with her. Those nights when you're awake and worrying? Chances are she is too, and her worry is about how to get through to you.
You'll be fine, just concentrate on talking to real, important, people for a while!
Posted by: CN | Saturday, February 19, 2005 at 10:17 AM
Hey lad,
Sounds like you are... just a little bit... depressed.
And you know what?.... that sounds pretty reasonable to me - your recent time hasn't been so hot!
I understand what you are saying completely.
Life is far too good, and you are far too "lucky" to feel justified in self-pity. You seem to believe that the things you are feeling are "daft" and that even those closest to you will think so too, if you talk to them.
You know what? That's fine, but at some time, you will need to voice how you feel, and get a big hug from someone for it... even if it's just a consolation for being such a "silly sod".
This forum will not provide you with the kind of support required to make you feel happy... it will only add to the distance that you can put others from you.
Sounds to me like you need to get some fundamentals sorted out.
1 -Eat a substantial balanced diet, and at propper meal times.
2 -Get some exercise at regular intervals. (20 - 30 minutes per day).
3 -Put some propper time asside for sleep, and actually go to bed (I know for a fact that you have returned a few of my emails well after midnight) - practice relaxing your muscles one by one until you fall asleep.
4 -Kiss your wife pationately for 30 seconds a day, at a time when it can't lead to anything else - enjoy the kiss and cuddle for itsself.
5 -Put 15 minutes asside to sit opposite your wife without the TV (and preferably without the kids) and talk to each other about things that you love / think / feel / hate / whatever. - if you can't make 15, then make 10, or even 5, but don't talk about your daily "stuff".
Do all of these things before you let work or the web site into your life, then I recon you may be onto things.
As always lad, take care of yourself, and if you fancy a holiday in New Zealand any time, let me know and you can have some bed spaces and a car to borrow.
Posted by: Lee Paterson | Monday, February 14, 2005 at 03:08 AM
I guess I was in a bad mood last night, since I am not normally like that. So, Shaun, I whole-heartedly hope that you are feeling more optimistic about life, and perhaps that you get a new device, or something to cheer you up.
Posted by: PMC | Sunday, February 13, 2005 at 02:31 AM
PMC- I think if you read Shauns post about his Christmas you might be a little more sympathetic. I'm not surprised he's a bit down after that roller coaster. Sometimes life carrying on as normal can be comforting, sometimes it can be more depressing. I guess what I'm saying is that you can always point at someone worse off but that doesn't help you at that particular time.
Posted by: Philippa | Saturday, February 12, 2005 at 10:45 PM
PMC- I think you have missed the point of the article. He sounds like he's having a hard time and if you read more of this site you will see that he is the first to write about the problems of others.
Your comments were ill-judged in my view.
Posted by: Marcus Lockley | Saturday, February 12, 2005 at 06:57 PM
Oh, c'mon. My dad is in Iraq right now, and based on the videos he sent in, most every native there has never heard of a telephone, let alone a computer. A lot of the children have extra fingers, toes, deformed faces or other mutations. Almost every other child on these videos have some sort of problem. They are all hungry, and I think all of those mutations are from inbreeding in the family...Eww...
All I'm trying to say is, everyone is always saying that they have problems that they cannot figure out when really, they have nothing to complain about, at least in the grand scheme of things. I'm not trying to bring you down, just pointing something out that I have noticed lately.
Posted by: PMC | Saturday, February 12, 2005 at 09:30 AM