I am a natural pessimist and always have been. I wake up worrying about money, my children, what I have achieved in life and anything else that will stop me from thinking about nothing. I go to bed worrying about the same things and in times alone they all come back into my head.
If I am at home at the weekend I presume that the people next door are having more fun than me. I presume that others are having more fun and that what I am doing is nothing special. I guess I have been like this since I was a child- the fat kid at school with few friends who never left the house. I am now the not so fat adult with friends but I cannot shake the feeling that I have not made enough of myself.
This is not an article asking for sympathy but one that I find easier to write on a web site than to discuss with those closest to me- that is really stupid but it's the way it is. I guess I am writing it to help me come to terms with what I am feeling and have always found it easier to get my feelings into type rather than out of my mouth.
At Christmas my daughter, Alice, was quite ill and something changed inside me without me even noticing. I sat with her, held her, tried to make her laugh as the tubes in her arm kept her hydrated. Families came in and out of the hospital with worried parents doing the same for their children. Everything was a blur and Christmas ended as if it had not happened. Life carried on as normal- 8 hours a day at work, playing with the children at night and the endless posting of news on the 247 sites. Over the past couple of weeks I have become over emotional by my standards with much more time spent on my own (I have always hated my own company). Talking to people does my head in at the moment- on the surface I am Mr. Jolly who is always cracking rubbish jokes and never showing any sign of a problem and I will walk into the office tomorrow as happy as ever, hiding how I really feel.
Everything feels so endless. Endless days at work, endless crying and stamping of feet from the kids and the endless pretending to be someone else. I love my family dearly and have more than many others- who would not want 2 beautiful children, a lovely understanding wife and a good job? I know I have it all but can't really bring myself to discuss how I really feel with anyone.
I never cry but I am as I write this and I don't know why.
This is not exactly an interesting article to read but I wanted to get it off my chest. I am not depressed, I am not having a breakdown- I am just really, really fucked off and don't know where the hell I am going. I want to believe in something that makes me feel alive again. I want to do something new. I want to feel love like a teenager does on their first date. Most of all I want to be happy and be able to rejoice in all of the goods things that I have. But I can't...